6 Beliefs For Not Speaking Bad About The Dead

Why People Don’t Want To Bad-Mouth The Dead

I was asked on social networking group that I belong to how come there is the tradition to not speak negatively about the dead. Thought it was a great question. So here is my reply:

Not speaking bad about the dead comes from several things.

First: It is felt that since the person is dead they can not defend themselves so it is not 'fair' to talk negatively about them.

Second: It is an emotional manipulation of projection. This means that if we can develop a standard that we do not talk bad about the other person that is now dead then when it is our turn to be dead no one will talk bad about us.

Third: It is the mythology that the ghost or spirit will com back and mistreat or haunt the living if the ghost or spirit does not like how their memory is be shared.

Fourth: From a bereavement perspective there is so much that is going on emotionally for the loved ones of the deceased that we try to push as much negative stuff about the pain of the death out of our mind as much as possible. That is one of the reasons we are so intent on using euphemisms about death such as sleeping, resting in peace, taken home, etc. It is the mourner’s way of initial coping with the reality and concept that the person is gone for good and will not return. It is a harsh reality to recognize that a person has died and we wil not see them again in this lifetime or ever depending on one's belief system. Such an acknowledgement is extremely painful and difficult to deal with.

Fifth: As a person continues through the life long process of grief ( which is much different than mourning and bereavement) the person must deal realistically with the positive side of the person as well as the negative side of the person. This often comes later in the grief process. Yet the reflection process of who the deceased was in the life and memory of those who grieve is started at the viewing / wake for the person with the story telling. Often the initial stories are very light and extremely holy/hole-filled meaning hat the deceased is portrayed as a saint and there are a lot of holes in the story of this person's life. Later the sinner side or the negative holes are examined more closely.

Sixth: Many of those that are supporting the immediate family and loved ones do not want to upset them with reminders of the more difficult side of the person. Most supporters really don’t feel comfortable with the whole issue of death so they will do all they can to make themselves feel better. This is done by treading lightly on the topic of the life and character of the person that has died. The supporters really don’t want to get into the mix of it about what this person was really like and who they really were. This again goes back to death avoidance and grief avoidance.

Hope you find these thoughts of interest. I would like to learn your thoughts as well.

Until our next visit together ~ Enjoy Life!
Doc T

Dr. Terrie Modesto
Chief Thanatologist and Learning Officer TEAR Center
Website: www.tearcenter.com
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/theresemodesto

Issues facing the funeral home of today and tomorrow

A collogue of mine named Dan Katz and I have been discussing the changes facing the funeral industry. In one of our LinkedIn conversations he wrote:

“In some ways the funeral industry is undergoing rather radical changes (online memorials, green funerals, etc.) and in other ways it remains the same.” He later wrote: “By the way, I saw your blog. A great start. One of the issues you may want to address is the sensitivity to how various cultures exhibit grief. We are becoming such a diverse society made up of anglos, blacks, Vietnamese, Koreans, Iranians, South Americans, etc., and each group demonstrates their grief differently, from somber quiet to keening and wailing, and what may be disturbing to some is quite normal to others.”

So this is what I wrote back:

I agree with you so much about the local family owned funeral home and the radical change that is facing the thanostic industry…

With cremation on the rise at such a rapid rate influenced even more so by the current economic downturn, funeral homes are and will be finding themselves scrambling to redefine themselves and their services in the decades ahead. This is on top of what you accurately pointed out as multi-cultural grief from the blending of the diverse cultures. This cultural blending that we as a country and as a world are experiencing is much more intense and expansive than the transformational experience of the late 19th and early 20th century immigration.

This time the immigration is originating many different areas far from our shores and cultural experiences than before. In the past it was a large European migration to the US with some percentage of Asian immigration. This time the immigration both legal and illegal entry is vast in its multi-continental configuration compounded by the ease of transportation. All of these issues and realities call for adjustments and adaption of various traditions and grief expressions are even more intense.

This immigration will affect how we as a country and world express funeral ritualization, pubic demarcation of grief and address bereavement issues. The only advice I have for the funeral industry is that we all better become more versed in the various cultureal expressions of mourning (the first experiences after a death of a significant person in lour life), bereavement (the extended period of adjustment that occurs after a death) and grief (the life-long recovery process and impact that a death has on a person’s life).

The experience of Michael Jackson’s death is an example of this. The spontaneous public demarcation of mourning in so many different cultures is remarkable. It is also interesting to note that the speed of the news of his death and the immediate expression of grief is so rapid thanks to twitter, Facebook, and the internet in general. Cultural expression is no longer jsut about where you were born and the ethnic expressions established by a particular countryor region. Now the cultural expressionsof mourning, bereavement, greif and loss wil also need to include the cyber village and culture as well. All of this will also impact the local funeral home on Main Street in Anywhere USA or Anywhere WORLD and yes even Anywhere CYBER.

We are only now seeing the very infancy of the impact that technology, the Internet and Social Networking will have on all things death dying bereavement grief. The potential and even the current trends in bereavement expression reflected by these communication mediums are staggering – the future is mind blowing.

I believe that NFDA and ICCFA will continue to have an impact on the local funeral industry but I think that social networking and companies that are part of the thanatological industries beyond the local funeral home will also have a major influence on how the local independent funeral home does business also.

I appreciate my conversations with Dan Katz. He is a very insightful person especially concerning funeral industry issues. You may also want to check out his blog at: http://www.funeraladvertising.wordpress.com/

Bereavement needs go beyond emotional support -

Practical Aftercare Education Needed

In our care for those that are affected by the death of a loved one especially a spouse or partner many in the thanatological after service care focus on the emotional affects of loss. However to due justice and to be of the greatest help to those that grieve many of the Bereavement After Care programs need to include a very strong financial education program for the bereaved. Most After Care Programs that I come in contact with do not address these and similar issues enough if at all.

This is a very difficult and frail time for many who are bereaved. It is difficult for them to even put one foot in front of another much less deal with the financial issues that often affect those newly impacted by death. Often the most practicle issues of daily living after a death are not address routinely as they need to be.

In the past many families would chip in and help not only with the physical assistance of helping clean out closets and pack up belongings to give to those assigned. But it was also the wisdom of experience from numerous deaths that sage helpers could give the newly bereaved within the family.

With families more spread out throughout the country and world even, the chance of this sort of in-depth support is fading fast for many baby-boomers in particular. After the funeral or memorial service there is less and less practical support given for those that grieve.

In the past there were at least three days of mourning where people gathered, strategies were worked out at the funeral home during the visitation to see how everyone could not only support the immediate grievers through the funeral and burial but for the intermediate phase of grief within the first six months of a death. This sort of support occurs less frequently now with busy schedules and people geographically farther apart.

With the increase of popularity of cremation and the potential of postponement of the memorial rituals the chance of practical support for the immediate grievers wanes significantly. Often memorial rituals will be weeks to even months after the death of a person. In the meantime many practical issues must be faced and dealt with. Often the immediate grievers must face these decisions with less knowledge, support and guidance from others when it is most needed.

Often we in bereavement care give workshops on coping with the emotional issues of grief – and we should and MUST do that. But that is only one portion of the pie we also need to be offering. There is a slew of practical support workshops that I don’t see offered very often that need to be given. Thee hands-on rubber hits the road specific topic workshops really need to be offered MONTHLY.

Some of these workshops include:

* Financial impact from death?
* How to deal with estate issues beyond the Last Will & Testament?
* What to do with the deceased loved one’s belongings?
* The virtual side of the deceased – what to do with the internet / cyber life of the deceased?
* What to do with Fido when a pet owner dies?

I say this while also knowing that many Bereavement Aftercare Programs are stretched to the maximum already with few staff to deal with all the pressing issues that approach the caring staff. Too much to do and too little time to do it all in is the daily experience of all Bereavement Aftercare Programs.

This is where the TEAR Center can be a great help. The TEAR Center has a number of courses that are available in a webinar context to help the newly bereaved deal with perplexities of issues after a death of a loved one.

By having webinars that address thee practical issues the TEAR Center frees up the on-site staff to address the emotionally pressing issues that no webinar could ever come close to personally assisting with. This helps the Bereavement aftercare Staff maximize their time and services while also providing topic quality informational services to those in need.

The online webinars are also a great way to help those that are grieving to receive the information they need at times that bet suite their schedules. These webinars can be accessed from the comfort and privacy of their own home when it is best for them. Distance learning is available for in a sensitive and comforting manner without all the additional draining effort of arranging schedules to meet the Bereavement aftercare agency schedule.

For more information on these educational webinars, please contact Dr. Terrie Modesto, chief Thanatologist and Learning Officer at the TEAR Center http://www.tearcenter.com/

An excellent article on this as support is:

Fallout For Bereaved. ScienceDaily. Retrieved June 28, 2009, from http://www.sciencedaily.com­ /releases/2009/06/090621143219.htm

Economic Crisis Heightens Financial Fallout For Bereaved

ScienceDaily (June 21, 2009) — One in five people fall below the official poverty line following the death of their partner. "Hence the recent fall in the value of annuities, savings and investments means an even wider group of older people could face financial difficulties when their partner dies, whether these difficulties are short-lived or longer lasting," says researcher Anne Corden of the Social Policy Research Unit, University of York.

People, whose partners had been in paid work, reported the largest income falls, mainly affecting those under pension age. Women with or without children were more at risk of financial decline than men and two in five women pensioners were in poverty immediately after bereavement. While some of these experiences of poverty were short-lived, bereaved women were more likely to experience poverty lasting up to three years after the death. The number of women feeling financially worse off doubled from 24 per cent to 48 per cent. Comparable figures for men were 19 and 30 per cent respectively.

Based on its exploration of a wide range of economic, administrative, emotional, and psychological issues following the death of a partner, the study highlights the need for:

Better awareness of financial issues

Findings highlighted the financial consequences of the failure to make a will and the mistaken belief that 'common law marriage' provides legal rights.
"Many people still put off thinking about their will or their finances until they are older and by then, for some, it is too late," Corden points out.

The study highlights the importance of financial awareness within the general population.

The need to make financial preparations and decisions as a couple during earlier stages of their life together.

Easing adjustment to loss

Grief has economic elements which impact on the grieving process and adjustment to loss. Managing money, and taking on new economic roles was hard for some bereaved people.

The study suggests that raising financial awareness should include planning and preparation for death.

Government, employers and unions have opportunities to provide information at various key points during a person's life.

Reducing administrative and regulatory burdens

Researchers found that the administrative requirements related to financial transitions caused a considerable practical and emotional burden.
Most people had to deal with diverse administrative and regulatory bodies. The volume of work required, delays, errors and problems in communication were widely experienced as an overwhelming burden.

Researchers highlight the need of processes to help people find information they need quicker, staff with skills for dealing with people in grief, and data sharing to reduce documentation required, would increase business efficiency as well as trust and compliance among service users.

Counselling support for 'economic components' of grief

Supporting bereaved people who want to share feelings about their financial situation and new economic roles may ease adjustment to their loss.

Findings suggest that while it is not the role of bereavement counselling services to provide expertise in all the administrative and financial aspects of bereavement, they would benefit from greater awareness of the emotional impact of changed financial circumstances on the bereaved person.

Financial support for the bereaved

Immediate financial demands facing bereaved people included paying for the funeral and housing costs including changes in home ownership and tenancy.
After a death, information and advice about benefits, pensions and tax, as well as support in accessing financial services help people avoid financial hardship.

Researchers suggest that when policymakers review financial support for bereaved people, there should be thorough examination of entitlement, take-up and impact of bereavement benefits and social fund funeral expenses payments, and people's perceptions of these payments.
Researchers conclude that some financial difficulties following death of a partner can be prevented; others can be avoided. Policymaking must address the immediate circumstances of people experiencing bereavement. In the long term, enabling people to sustain paid employment throughout their working lives, occupational and private pensions, will help ensure an acceptable standard of living in retirement and protect people whose partner has died from financial hardship and economic decline.

Welcome to All things death dying bereavement grief

Hello and Welcome To
All Things Death Dying Bereavement Grief

Not a day goes by that there is not something that affects our lives that also deals with death. I know most of us don’t like to think too much if at all on death dying bereavement and grief. There are so many more enjoyable things in life to think about. Yet what touches life also touches death at some point.

As a Thanatologist ( ‘thana’ comes from the Greek word ‘thanos’ and + ‘olgist’ which means a person that seriously studies something) I study and teach on the various subjects related to death, dying, bereavement and grief. Frankly it is not a topic that most people are just ‘dying’ to learn about (Pun accepted).

True, death related subjects (thanatological topics) are not always easy to deal with and certainly there are times for all of us that they are down right uncomfortable to consider. But death is a part of life and living.

However not all death, dying, bereavement and grief topics are depressing or even sad. Some of the most beautiful pieces of art (known as Thanostic Art) are the result of death and grief.

The photo that is attached to this blog is a tombstone foiling I did a number of years ago. The craft skill that went into the engraving of this stone back in the 18th century in New England is outstanding. It took considerable time and effort to create this piece of art. Today it stands silent as a tribute of love in a quite cemetery few visit. The desire of loved ones to ensure that their deceased significant other is remembered in a beautiful way is touching and so honoring.

This is just one example of what we will be looking at and sharing on a regular basis. Examples of thanostic expression are more than this blog or frankly any blog can ever document. But let's try. Please fel free to submit your favorites.

Of course all contributions are appreciated and will be screened as appropriate for publication. I’m open-minded but sensitivity decorum will be held at a high level also. This is intended as a serious and honorable thanostic related site, so please let’s keep it that way.

We will look at death from the historical and literary perspective as well as from current events, grief issues and dying and bereavement caregiving. Regularly I’ll offer commentary on articles and news events of the day as well as offer tidbits of knowledge and information that I have gathered over the years.

Please feel free to share your thoughts and wisdom. No one is without wisdom when it comes to death dying bereavement grief.

Often you may find that I will be referring to the NewDeath Group. No there is no such thing as ‘new death’ but there is a fantastic and highly interesting Yahoo Group called NewDeath Group Investigative Newsgroup called (http://tech.groups.yahoo.com/group/NewDeathGroup/) I strongly encourage you to check it out often. The members are well informed and diverse in their thanostic (death related) areas of interest, curiosity and specialization and above all a highly welcoming collection of friendly individuals.

A companion group to the NewDeath Group is the NewDeath Group Prose. This is where a lot of interesting thanostic literature such as death poetry, reflections and other death and bereavement related literature is shared. For those who enjoy and find it helpful to write about death related issues in a literary manner this is the site for you.

Please let me know your interests in these subject areas. The greatest fear that I have is that no one will read it. So please submit your questions, thoguths and ideas.

Oh by the way you will see four things about me in this blog which are:

1- Inclusivity of language (I only want to exclude exclusion in my language and life appreciation)

2- I will use frequently thanatological language / terms. Now after so many years it just comes so natural to me. I’ll do all I can to add definitions when appropriate. I’ll also in the near future start a glossary of terms if that is of some help. Feel free to add suggestions to the list as well as to remind me (gently) that I have not defined a thanostic term.

3- I love creativity, love of life, humor and respect of all of creation. So feel free to join in that creativity, humor (yes there is even thanostic humor) and of course always respectful. We may not always see eye to eye but please let us always see heart to heart.

4- I have severe dyslexia as well as busy being the Chief Thanatologist and Learning Officer of the TEAR Center (www.tearcenter.com) so upfront there may be times when the spelling will be shall we say ‘creative’ if not flat out incorrect. There will also be occasions when the grammar may not be 100% since I might not have time to triple check the proof-reading. Hey this is a blog not one of my published books! (Grin). So please look beyond any mistakes and appreciate the intention of sharing what I know with you.

In the meantime until our next visit together ~ Enjoy Life.! Doc T

Dr. Terrie Modesto
Chief Thanatologist and Learning Officer
TEAR Center
www.tearcenter.com