6 Beliefs For Not Speaking Bad About The Dead

Why People Don’t Want To Bad-Mouth The Dead

I was asked on social networking group that I belong to how come there is the tradition to not speak negatively about the dead. Thought it was a great question. So here is my reply:

Not speaking bad about the dead comes from several things.

First: It is felt that since the person is dead they can not defend themselves so it is not 'fair' to talk negatively about them.

Second: It is an emotional manipulation of projection. This means that if we can develop a standard that we do not talk bad about the other person that is now dead then when it is our turn to be dead no one will talk bad about us.

Third: It is the mythology that the ghost or spirit will com back and mistreat or haunt the living if the ghost or spirit does not like how their memory is be shared.

Fourth: From a bereavement perspective there is so much that is going on emotionally for the loved ones of the deceased that we try to push as much negative stuff about the pain of the death out of our mind as much as possible. That is one of the reasons we are so intent on using euphemisms about death such as sleeping, resting in peace, taken home, etc. It is the mourner’s way of initial coping with the reality and concept that the person is gone for good and will not return. It is a harsh reality to recognize that a person has died and we wil not see them again in this lifetime or ever depending on one's belief system. Such an acknowledgement is extremely painful and difficult to deal with.

Fifth: As a person continues through the life long process of grief ( which is much different than mourning and bereavement) the person must deal realistically with the positive side of the person as well as the negative side of the person. This often comes later in the grief process. Yet the reflection process of who the deceased was in the life and memory of those who grieve is started at the viewing / wake for the person with the story telling. Often the initial stories are very light and extremely holy/hole-filled meaning hat the deceased is portrayed as a saint and there are a lot of holes in the story of this person's life. Later the sinner side or the negative holes are examined more closely.

Sixth: Many of those that are supporting the immediate family and loved ones do not want to upset them with reminders of the more difficult side of the person. Most supporters really don’t feel comfortable with the whole issue of death so they will do all they can to make themselves feel better. This is done by treading lightly on the topic of the life and character of the person that has died. The supporters really don’t want to get into the mix of it about what this person was really like and who they really were. This again goes back to death avoidance and grief avoidance.

Hope you find these thoughts of interest. I would like to learn your thoughts as well.

Until our next visit together ~ Enjoy Life!
Doc T

Dr. Terrie Modesto
Chief Thanatologist and Learning Officer TEAR Center
Website: www.tearcenter.com
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/theresemodesto