How come some people hate funeral directors?

Why do some people hate Funeral Directors? It is a question that was recently asked of me. It is a very good question. There are so many components to this question. Here are just a few of the various components.

DEATH SCARES

To start to answer that question one needs to remember that death scares the inner core of many people. They react intensely to those that they attach that death phobic irrational fear to.
DEATH AS MYSTERY

I know that death is a mystery and what happens after the last breath is unknown. For some people outside of faith and the science of decomposition it can be a very disturbing thought.

DEATH & SURVUVAL

For some folks they have come to understand it for themselves and that’s great. For others the fear is so intense because they associate it with survival. It is like the moth being attracted to the flame sort of thing with some folks.

FEAR OF DYING – DEAR OF DEATH

o People are so afraid of dying and the process of dying that they also attach it to the issue of death as well.. – thus they become afraid of both. Two very different experiences but individuals who are afraid tend to lump it into one big emotional ball. Death and dying is one thing to them and it is all about fear.

THE UNKNOWN IS UNSETTLING

o The unknown is terrifying for some. These individuals have not even looked at nor broken down the myths they have heard or pictures they have seen of dying and death. Few ever develop their own ideas on the subject. One needs to remember that any part of the topic of death scares some to the point of attaching death phobic irrational fear not only the experience of dying and death but also to those who are professionals in that arena of service.
FEAR & HATE

So how does all this relate to the dislike or downright hostility to funeral directors?

There are individuals that are resentful of those that have a professional career in the death industry. Those that have a distain for the funeral profession also want their loved ones AND THEMSELVES taken care of when they die or are dying BUT there is also resentment that someone is making a living from that service.

In some ways it goes back to the strife and divide that occurred between funeral directors and clergy centuries ago and lingers on today. Some of the clergy even today get disgruntled at funeral directors for having a comfortable life from dealing with the death issue while many of the clergy are known to make rather modest or limited incomes.

The Funeral Director is looked upon as the under-takers - the death labors who enter into and associate with the dirty disease and death side of death while getting compensated. The clergy are on the other hand not getting the economic compensation enjoyed by the funeral director BUT are getting the emotional accolades and affirmation of being close to God and the heaven connection. Both are seen as being very powerful groups of professionals. There has been and continues to be a major strife in some sectors between these two MAJOR primary thanostic care providers for many centuries.

I do whole lectures, symposiums and workshops on this topic and in fact did my entire dissertation and research study on this subject. For many who are having a love-hate issue with funeral directors it is because of the issue that the funeral director has a way to create the image that the dead look like they are still alive by embalming, makeup etc. On a subconscious level some people see funeral directors as having a power over death - death that they are terrified beyond all measure to deal with.

To top it off, the funeral director has beautiful surroundings of crisp, clean, lovely clothing, well presented appearance, fancy cars and limos, and a beautiful funeral home. They also contrast that with the fear of death and the negative associations with death. The emotions intensify on a large scale. For many with conflicted emotions, they want a notable profession addressing issues of mourning and bereavement. They also want their dead loved ones to live again and they see the funeral director has the power of both.

So this mix-master of images, emotions, thanostic economics, thanostic mythology and the pain of loss and grief when a loved one dies becomes a hostile stew for some people. There will be those that will never unpack the stew. It’s a profession of love and hate.

Hope this helps. This is a VERY complex topic to put it mildly.

What does YOUR Funeral Home Sign Say?

Funeral Home signage has historically and still is an import thanostic (death related) educational tool as well as thanostic art for the community to help better understand issues related to the death and bereavement experience. Often people think of their funeral home signage as merely a marketing item to help in identifying the location of the funeral home. In the past and yes even today the funeral home signage is a means of helping to teach the community at large about the attitude and services provided at the funeral home.

For example a depiction of nature such as a flower, leaf or stream can help the community understand that death is a part of nature. While a Personalized monogram of the funeral home can help generate the sense of long-term stability and personal service. Another example would be a helping hand that can convey the caring presence of a funeral home.

It is so important to know what your signage is saying to the community that passes by the sign all the time 24/7/365. It is not just the sign but also what is around it and how it is anchored to the ground. Signage art use was intended initially help those that could not read know what professional services were offered at a particular business location. Now a sign has much more meaning than ever before since it is not only for those with reading handicaps.

What does your sign say about YOUR funeral home?

Saying Goodbye To A Co-Worker

When a co-worker dies

I was saddened by the news that Walter Cronkite, one of the great contributors to journalism had died. He was an exceptional and honorable reporter, news anchor and honest friend to the world.

In reading about his funeral arrangements I learned that he will have a private funeral at St. Bartholomew’s Episcopal Church in New York City and then be buried in Missouri next to his wife. Cronkite seemed to want to balance things so there was always fairness. Even in death his desire for balanced fairness in having a time for personal mourning and public mourning is being reflected.

When a co-worker dies it is important for the professional / employment community to take time to join together to grieve the death and loss of one of their members. It is important that this be done as a community. Often co-workers will attend the personal funeral tribute a family will have for their parent / child / partner / spouse etc. This is an event this is important to attend. It is also important to have an event for those that worked along side the person who has died that is specific to the life the deceased had with their work community. This event does not have to be elaborate, just meaningful.

When reflecting upon it, a major portion of our day and life is involved with the profession / work we do. At least 8 hours a day if not more is assigned to our work. That is a third of every day. Often we spend more of our non-sleep hours with co-workers and work-tasks than we do within the confines of our personal relationships.

Frequently we develop strong professional bonds with our collogues and co-workers. They may be the first people we tell the good news of a promotion or raise with. They may be the ones we tell the bad news to when we have to work late AGAIN on a Friday night or all day Saturday to get a project out on time.

Keeping balance in both the professional work life and our personal lives is important throughout our life. It is also important to have that same balance as we grieve the death of a co-worker and collogue.

Until our next visit together ~ Enjoy Life!

Doc T

PS

I just found my Mom's old ID badge from when she worked at the Pentagon in Washington DC . It was way back when in 1959! I had a really beautiful Mom both physically and spiritually, may she have a beautiful eternity and always rest in peace.

Since we are talking about work related grief I thought I'd share a work ID badge. My Dad died while she was employed there at the Pentagon. I don't know what kind of support she received from co-workers after Dad died.

Dr. Terrie Modesto, PhD, CPT, CAC
Chief Thanatologist and Learning Officer

TEAR CenterWebsite: http://www.tearcenter.com/
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/theresemodesto
Personal website: http://www.drterriemodesto.com/

What touches life ~ Touches death.
T. Modesto


Cronkite to be Buried in Mo. after NYC Funeral
http://www.1010wins.com/pages/4830171.php?contentType=4&contentId=4368815

NEW YORK (AP) -- Walter Cronkite's final resting place will be next to his late wife in Missouri, where the two first met, his chief of staff said Saturday.

The 92-year-old former CBS anchorman died Friday at his Manhattan home of disease involving blood vessels in the brain, according to Marlene Adler, his longtime chief of staff.

A private funeral service was scheduled for Thursday at St. Bartholomew's Church. Adler said the Rev. William Tully will preside over the Episcopal service at the Park Avenue church, which the Cronkites attended for many years.

A memorial is to be held within the next month in Avery Fisher Hall at the Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts, Adler said.

"It will be a fitting tribute to Mr. Cronkite and the life he lived, the people he knew, the people who loved him and the people he admired," said Adler, who headed Cronkite's staff for the past 20 years.

The Committee to Protect Journalists, an organization that works to safeguard press freedoms worldwide, will post remembrances of Cronkite, an honorary co-chairman, on its blog.
"Whenever press freedom needed a champion, he was there," CPJ board chairman Paul Steiger said. "We will miss him."

Cronkite is to be cremated and his remains buried next to his wife, Betsy Cronkite, in the family plot at a cemetery in Kansas City.

In lieu of flowers, the family is requesting donations to the Walter and Betsy Cronkite Foundation through the AustinCommunityFoundation.org, which will distribute contributions to various charities the couple supported.

New trends in funeral homes ~

Community support with 'coffee-on-the-go'

For those of us over the age of 45, I remember when my local McDonald’s got their first drive-thru window. My elderly, widowed neighbor Mrs. Clare Woodruff (Miss Woodie as kids always affectionately called her) thought it was fantastic to go with her pound pup named Saddie to get a fish sandwich and large fries for lunch every Friday at 11:45AM. You could set your watch by it.

It was the only way Saddie her favorite dog could join her for lunch. Saddie got some of the fries and enjoyed seeing all the people as they sat in the parking lot together. Miss Woodie enjoyed the outing and the attention she got from all people making over her pup as she ordered their lunch. She thought out of the box to meet her and Saddie’s social needs. Miss Woodie was creative in how she met new people and got support after her husband died.

I wonder what Miss Woodie would think of Bowman Funeral Home (http://www.bowmanfh.ca/) in Chatham Ontario offering free coffee on Wednesdays for morning commuters. My hunch is she would approve whole heartedly. Who knows… she might have gone with Saddie for a cup of Joe! You got to admit it’s a creative community outreach. I must also add a much needed outreach.

Serving coffee as positive exposure to a funeral home when death has not occurred is very helpful to those that have death and funeral home anxiety or apprehension. Death is scary, so if there are ways to help reduce that negative perception – then all the better. Besides who can really pass up a really GOOD cup of coffee in the morning even when served from a funeral home to-go site?

The way we express our grief is changing rapidly and creatively. This new 21st century grief expression calls for the funeral home industry to rethink its way of LIVING in the community. Funeral homes need to be more ‘user-friendly’ to use a computer-based term.

Families and various loved ones are seeking personalized ways to express their grief. They want to feel connected to each other and to the site of the funeral ritual. At the Michael Jackson memorial, it was stated that the selection of the memorial venue was directly associated with the fact that only days earlier Michael Jackson was rehearsing his upcoming tour there. The more the positive association with the funeral site by the deceased or by the community membership, the more personal attachment there can be – thus more comfort.

From the earliest of times we know that personalization of grief expression reduces the pain, fear and anxiety that is often associated with death and bereavement rituals. Funeral homes can be great places for that to happen if done correctly.

Funeral homes are now called upon in the 21st century to be places for LIVING instead of just a place for the viewing and funeral ritualizing of the dead. Creative service based funeral homes can help celebrate life as well as help those that grieve to cope with life without their loved one physically present.

Funeral homes that are creative and adaptable to new social trends are much more likely to help families of the 21st century begin to process their grief and loss in healthy ways and meet their everyday life experiences. Offering a cup of coffee on the way to work and school is a great way to begin the relationship process that can help carry a family through the dark days of death and bereavement at some other point later in their lives. It’s not a marketing ploy but a statement of support: ‘If you care enough to offer me a cup of coffee, you will also care for me and my loved one when they die”.

Funeral homes need to stop thinking of them selves as only a place that treats the dead for burial and begin to reflect on how they are a major part of helping the local community live life beyond the death of a significant other. This is the greatest gift a funeral home can offer.

Historically, funeral homes were established as a way to help the mourners have a comfortable place to conduct their funeral ritualization and visitation as well as help reduce the ever increasing death associated anxiety in Western Society. Now the funeral home is called upon again to help families who are grieving to find new meaningful ways of exploring their issues of dying, death and grief.

Offering a cup of coffee to the local community as they drive to work or school is a great method for this funeral home to reach out in a positive way to their community. It’s a lot more personal than just supplying calendars stacked on a shelf in the back of a church for someone to pick up after worship.

Providing grief support services and education is another great way to help those dealing with death related issues personally and professionally. How the funeral home does this will all depend on their local community and individual situation.

I encourage all funeral homes to think not just ‘outside the box’ for marketing purposes but also ‘outside the casket’ of not only death care services but also serving the living long before and after a funeral is necessary.

Miss Woodie thought outside of the box in creating new and friendly ways to meet her widowhood social needs decades ago. Now Bowman Funeral Home has not only thought outside the box but outside the casket to reach out to their local community in a creative and friendly way. Such creative thinking has supportively touched not only their local community but has also taught the world village the importance of support presence beyond the death event.

My hat goes off to Bowman Funeral Home in Chatham Ontario who demonstrates an excellent example of great community out reach. Funeral service is much more than just death service - it is community service to the living. Bowman Funeral Home -- Thank you.


Until our next visit together ~ Enjoy Life!

Doc T

Dr. Terrie Modesto, PhD, CPT, CAC

Chief Thanatologist and Learning Officer

TEAR CenterWebsite:

http://www.tearcenter.com/

LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/theresemodesto

Personal website: http://www.drterriemodesto.com/

What touches life ~ Touches death.
T. Modesto

Free coffee at funeral home drive-through
Published: July 2, 2009 at 11:57 AM
CHATHAM, Ontario

2009, July 2 (UPI) -- A Canadian funeral home in southwestern Ontario is taking a community-friendly trend further by offering free coffee to commuters at a drive-through window.
For the next nine weeks between 7 and 9 a.m. on Wednesdays, drivers can pull up to the window at the Bowman Funeral Home in Chatham for a free cup, the London (Ontario) Free Press reported Thursday.

Manager James MacNeil told the newspaper Wednesday's inaugural giveaway confused some commuters.

"They keep asking us what we are doing -- I just say 'no, really it is free coffee,'" he said. "We just want to reach out in a way that is not spooky or weird the way a funeral home can be."
Rick Ludwig, past-president of the Ontario Funeral Service Association, told the newspaper there is a growing trend of funeral homes becoming more active in communities in ways not associated with death.

Along those lines, MacNeil said his business is also a supporter of the Ontario Senior Games, which will be hosted by Chatham this year.
© 2009 United Press International, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/07/02/Free-coffee-at-funeral-home-drive-through/UPI-36151246550275/

Not always resting in peace –Cemetery abuse

It is a difficult, almost imaginable thing to think that our dearly departed loved ones we have held in our arms and hearts have been not only disturbed after burial but their physical remains desecrated like trash for the profit of a hundred plus new grave spaces. Instead of 40 pieces of silver for betrayal of a beloved teacher and friend, it is hundreds of thousands of dirty dollars slipped under the table in to the greedy pockets of possibly cemetery employees / representatives. It is revolting to even consider.

One of the most comforting aspects of a cemetery is that when a loved one dies we believe that we will always have them near us at the local cemetery and that their physical remains are safe and respected. We want to know beyond any doubt that they are resting in peace.

This is far form the situation tonight at Burr Oak cemetery in Alsip, Illinois. Not only are the remains of a hundred or more individuals buried in that cemetery been violated, but trust associated with the perpetual care service of a well established and highly honored cemetery has been violated.

Money and death often make people desperate. It is unfortunate that this combination has inflicted so much pain on so many families and loved ones as well as the community at large.

It doesn’t happen often thank goodness that such cemetery violations occur. When such violations do occur, the sense of loss can be intensely triggered for those directly and even indirectly affected by such situations. When a cemetery violation or other hazardous situation occurs, we as individuals realize that we can be fragile and taken advantage of even after death. We come face to face with the fact that we may not rest in peace happily ever after.

We also realize that we place a great deal of trust in the cemeteries to perpetually take care of our loved ones after we must walk away from their earthly remains on the day of burial. That trust is sacred. It is a great responsibility that a cemetery is entrusted with.

That great responsibility that a cemetery holds must be honored 24/7 365 days a year for all times. So often a cemetery gets busy with the numerous tasks of daily operation and the bigger picture of the sincere and intense trust that is placed in its hands by sorrowing loved ones is enormous.

Today we mourn not only for the loss of security that families and the Alsip Illinois community is experiencing at the violation that occurred at their cemetery. We also mourn that monetary greed and disrespect that was much more important than that of honoring the dead that are buried at Burr Oak Cemetery.

I commend those that have brought attention to this situation. It not only results in the disruption of such terrible violation but also helps to begin to reconstruct the integrity of the cemetery profession.

Dr. Terrie Modesto
www.drterriemodesto.com
www.tearcenter.com

Cemetery workers accused of digging up graves, reselling plots
http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/07/09/illinois.cemetery.scheme/index.html
CHICAGO, Illinois (CNN) -- Employees at a historic African-American cemetery near Chicago allegedly dug up more than 100 graves as part of an off-the-books scheme to resell burial plots to unsuspecting customers, authorities said Wednesday.
Cook County authorities began investigating the cemetery about six weeks ago after receiving a call from the owners of Burr Oak Cemetery in Alsip, Illinois, located about 20 miles south of Chicago.
The owners had concerns about possible "illegalities going on" regarding finances at the business, said Sheriff Tom Dart.
"What we found was beyond startling and revolting," Dart told reporters at the cemetery.
The workers at Burr Oak, where lynching victim Emmett Till, blues legend Dinah Washington and some Negro League baseball players are buried among others, allegedly resold the plots, disinterred the bodies, dumped the remains and pocketed the cash, Dart said.
Most of the excavations occurred in back lots, where the plots were older and not frequently visited, he said. However, other plots may have been disturbed as well.
At least four people are in custody facing a slew of felony charges, authorities said. The current owners, who could not be reached by CNN for comment Wednesday, have run the place for more than five years, but are not believed to be involved, Dart said.
"We are sensitive to the fact that individuals have loved ones buried here and also the sensitivities as it pertains to this particular cemetery," Dart said. "This is the cemetery were Emmett Till is buried. Numerous other significant members of the African-American community are buried there as well."
He said authorities are "very confident" that the grave of Till, whose lynching at 14 helped spark the Civil Rights Movement, has not been disturbed.
Still, investigators are trying to determine the scope of the scheme and are faced with trying to track down the families of those whose graves were disinterred and those who, unbeknownst to them, purchased occupied plots, Dart said.
He said the workers may have doctored records to cover their tracks.
The FBI, expert forensic scientists and local funeral directors have been called in to help, he said.
"We cannot give people definitive answers at this point," Dart said. "Our biggest challenge right now is the attempt to bring peace of mind."

Building loving tributes

Read an interesting blog posting that came through my Google Alert this morning. It very clearly speaks to the pain and adjustments that one must face when there is a transition in life. In this case it is a person moving to another country.

One statement really stood out. The author states:

“I know full well that I will see them again, that with emails and web cams and digital photographs and a million other types of technology, no-one is anywhere that’s too far away these days. But it’s the relationship that has built over time, being there for important things in one another’s lives, being on hand to help and reassure, sharing jokes and stories…these are the day to day things which I’m afraid will fade over time and distance.” (See footnote below)

The impact that occurs when a person who we love and care for deeply dies results often in a loss not only of the person but the interactions that go along with that person in our life. This makes the loss even more intense.

Over this past weekend I visited a dear friend and her mother. We were celebrating her mom’s 81st birthday. I brought along my camcorder and taped several of her fond memories about her early life. The ‘birthday gal’ didn’t realize at first that I wanted to hold on to those special memories. When she realized that I was taping her recollections, she was pleased and delighted that I cared enough to capture those memories for the future. She was touched that she will be remembered and that I wanted to keep them treasured for my lifetime.

One of the greatest fears we as humans often have is that we are afraid that we will not be remembered, that our life will become dust and blow away into nothing. It’s an honest issue for each of us to face. Some have gone to extensive expense to be remembered by endowing libraries and other institutions as well as delighted that perhaps we have a street named after us in our hometown etc.

For those who grieve it is also comforting to have those memories and physical identifications to help us stay connected to our loved one who has died. Many who are grieving the death of Michael Jackson for example are finding comfort in being close to his Hollywood star on a busy street in California. Just being close to the granite tribute etched in concrete is a way to stay a bit closer to their famous entertainer who has died so young in life.

The best tributes we can give to some one is to find creative ways to help them be long remembered after they have died. This week I strongly encourage you to try to find one to help one person be remembered beyond the current moment. It doesn’t have to be big or in-you-face sort of hype. It can mean finding a way to start to collect those live-on memories and tributes of the people that are in our lives.

These tributes may be for those that are still living by taking pictures and videoing their memories. For those that have died, their memory is still important to us and need to be cherish and treasured as well.

Blog referenced
What’s it all about again?
http://becca.essentialwriters.com/2009/07/05/i-cant-stand-losing/

“Be of love and life a little more careful than of everything.”

2 ways to live – 2 ways to die

I was struck by this excellent commentary by Peter Bregman. His insights into how different people live their lives and the way they die really struck me. I’ve heard it say often that the way you live is the way you will die also.

I don’t know if that is exactly correct but I think it has a great deal to do with the way we live the last portions of our lives. Dying and death are not totally different things from that a living really. It is a continuation of how we express ourselves every moment of our life including our dying experience.

I was struck at the funeral coverage for Farrah Fawcett. There was a lot of ceremony, religious ritual and loads of friends and family there to say goodby.

Yet even though Farrah Fawcett had been on many if not most bedroom walls or and school locker doors of young boys in 1976 and the envy of many a young gal of that time period. There was no pin-up celebrity status hype of this beautiful woman at the end.

Instead it was her personal beauty of self that so many are now admiring. It is no longer about hair or that sexy to-die for body in a swim suit. It is now about a woman who died adorned with character, integrity and inner strength to face all of life’s struggles from that of cancer to a son in jail. She did it with her best grace and dignity.

Both her only son and her companion – life partner of 20 years helped to carry her those last steps of her journey on the surface of this earth. With all the riches and privileges that stardom can offer, it seems to me that the best gift we have in the end is our integrity, selfhood and the love and affection of those special to us as we take those final moments to our eternal resting place.

I don’t know what all will be the funeral ceremony for Michael Jackson. My hunch is that it will be much different than that of Farrah Fawcett.

Two very different people – two very different causes of death. But both unfortunately eaten up by two different kinds of cancer. Farrah Fawcett’s cancer was anal cancer. Michael Jackson’s cancer was emotional ‘grander than life cancer.’

We have come to learn both can be painful killers.

It is not enough for us to read the obituary and then turn the page of our lives onto something else. Many will do that but for the few I hope we will take some time as part of our tribute to these very talented people to reflect on how we want to live our lives so we may also have the sort of final farewell that will be reflected on the type of life we want to be remembered for.

“Be of love and life a little more careful than of everything.”

Until our next visit together ~ Enjoy Life!

Doc T

Dr. Terrie Modesto

Chief Thanatologist and Learning Officer
TEAR Center

Website: http://www.tearcenter.com/
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/theresemodesto
Personal website: www.drterriemodesto.com

Commentary: Why we grieve for Michael, Farrah

By Peter Bregman Special to CNN
Editor's note: Peter Bregman is chief executive of Bregman Partners Inc., a global management consulting firm, and the author of "Point B: A Short Guide to Leading a Big Change". He writes a weekly column, How We Work, for HarvardBusiness.org.

NEW YORK (CNN) -- Last Thursday my wife, Eleanor, flew to Houston, Texas, to see her grandmother, Nana, who had just suffered a debilitating stroke.
Nana is 93 years old with few friends left. As she lay in a hospital bed barely able to speak, family members gathered around her to tell her they love her and to say goodbye.
Saying goodbye to a loved one is an intensely personal and emotional moment. The memories of time spent together linger as we feel the love, the sadness, the loss.
The same day Eleanor gathered with her family, people around the world gathered -- in person and online -- to say goodbye to two outsized public figures to whom they felt connected: Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett.
Michael Jackson brought us closer to life itself. We sang with him, danced with him and were amazed by his youthful exuberance and musical talent. He was the original; I still remember watching "Billie Jean" on MTV thinking, "Maybe there is something to this music video thing." He sold over 800 million albums and "Thriller" is still the No. 1 selling album of all time. He was a young man with extraordinary talent.
We loved him as a young man because he remained real, with his personality shining through his music. But then something happened. As he grew up, he grew away. From himself and from us. We lost touch with his humanness, his personality, his vulnerability. And when we couldn't see that, we couldn't see him.
A few years ago, Anthony Robbins, a motivational speaker who teaches about success in relationships, got divorced. People wondered if this would be the end of his career. Would his audiences abandon him when they found out? After all, how good was his advice if he couldn't hold together his own marriage? But when he spoke publicly about his divorce, people were amazingly supportive of him. The divorce, his failures, his vulnerabilities, didn't diminish him. They made him human.
Don't Miss
Commentary: When the white glove waved
Commentary: Michael Jackson, the greatest
In Depth: Commentaries
We can't identify with perfection. We can admire it from afar, maybe aspire to it. But we can't relate to it because we know, deep down, that we ourselves are flawed. So we trust others who recognize that about themselves, too.
Michael Jackson's tragedy was the second half of his life -- when he hid behind surgery and the high walls of Neverland. Of course, trying to cover up his vulnerability was itself a vulnerability. But, in hiding, he lost himself. And so we lost him, too.
That is the exact opposite of what Farrah Fawcett did. In the depths of a horrible, potentially embarrassing illness, Farrah Fawcett came out of hiding. When most of us would shoo the cameras away, she invited us in. She let us see her pain and suffering and fear and sadness. She let us see her self.
So many of us fell in love with her all over again. Not for her youthful beauty or her perfection or because she represented some ideal to which we aspired. No, we fell in love with her because we saw the real her. The raw, uncut, painful her. And in her, we saw ourselves. We fell in love with her because we identified with her.
Farrah's youthful beauty transformed through illness and suffering is a dark reminder of the inevitable progression of life, a reminder that we usually try to avoid. She herself tried to avoid aging for a while, with face-lifts and botox. And in her pursuit to retain her perfection, she began to lose us. But then she got real and reached out and we reached back. We reached back because of her vulnerability, not despite it.
Between my starting this article and finishing the final draft, Eleanor's grandmother Nana died. Death is one of the few times in life when something is irrevocably taken from us.
It's impossible to go back and relive the period of our lives when she was with us, when she was younger, when we were younger. Time moves only in one direction. And with her passing we are reminded of a time that has passed in our own lives, of moments we will never relive.
It's a little bit like that with Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett.
We feel something deep for them too. Because they, too, touched our lives and changed us. They inspired us, excited us, empowered us. They lived with us. And with their passing, we are reminded of a part of our lives that is gone forever.